20 Things People Never Told You About Having Kids

     There are a lot of things about having children that your parents, friends, relatives don't tell you about.  It could be that they forgot about some of these things.  Maybe they didn't want to scare you.  Maybe they put these memories so far in the back of their mind because they didn't want to remember.  I thought of 50 things that I could put in this list, but I will spare you the 4 page post.  Those of you with children will relate.  For the rest of you, don't think of this list as a reason not to have children.  It's more like a heads-up.

1.  Your house is no longer yours.  The children will take over.  If you are lucky, you will be entitled to half a bed, a storage closet, and 1 drawer in the bathroom.  The rest of the house belongs to your loving wife and kids.

2.  The parties you go to now will involve jump houses, magic tricks, balloon animals, and if you are lucky...alcohol.

3.  Forget about sleeping in for the next 18 years.  Whether it's Monday or Saturday, you are still waking up at 6am.

4.  You WILL get to buy your children all the cool toys that your parents wouldn't buy for you.

5.  Little innocent girls will give a Dad more grey hairs and at a faster rate than little boys.

6.  Father's Day will have a new meaning.  The first Father's Day is the best.

7.  Don't get married in the beginning of May, especially if your wife's birthday is in May.  You will have to think of a thoughtful Mother's Day, Anniversary, and Birthday present.  (Damn near impossible)

8.  Read all the books you possibly can...it won't make that much of a difference though.  Babies never follow the How To Be a Good Baby Handbook and experience becomes the best teacher.

9.  You will change a diaper full of poop just before you sit down to eat.  It's like the in-home version of the show Fear Factor.

10. Even the biggest, strongest, manliest man's heart will melt the first time his child says "I Love You".

11. You're not going to the movies for at least the first two years after your child is born. (Thank God for On Demand)

12. Birthing classes are a rip-off.  On the flip side, seeing a hormonal mom-to-be belittle her poor husband in one of these classes will help you appreciate how good you have it.

13. (Guys only) No matter what ANYONE says, you don't and shouldn't sit in on the breast feeding class.  

14. When your child can't communicate their frustrations, they will bite and hit.  This is not a behavior they learn. It's more like an instinct. 

15. There will come a point when your children will drive you absolutely crazy and you will want to get as far away from them as possible (to no avail).

16. (Guys only) Women that you have been friends with for years will pull out their breasts mid-sentence and feed their children right in front of you.  If this sounds like a good thing to you, you are terribly WRONG.  It's an awkwardness that you haven't felt before.  Just stare up into the sky and pretend that you didn't see anything.

17. (Guys only)  Pregnant women are hot!  I can't explain it.  It just is what it is.

18. Raising a child is nothing like training a dog.  Just because you managed to keep your dog alive for a few years doesn't make you a good candidate for having children.

19. Hangovers and children don't mix!

20. The happiness and health of your children will more than make up for all the sacrifices you made and will make in the future.  

 "Blessed is the man who can laugh at himself, for he will never cease to be amused"